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英文添削

京大、阪大などトップ国立大学に塾生を送り出しています。
英文読解力と日本語力と共に、英作文力が大きなウエイトを占めます。
しかし、十分な指導が行われていないのが、現在の英語指導環境の実態です。
当塾では、少数指導に徹することでち密な添削を行っています。


一部ご紹介をします。


1 和文英訳の場合

問題)

私たちにとって真の幸福とは、他者とのつながりの中にこそ見出し得るものです。もしこの世に自分一人だとしたら、百万の富を手に入れ、贅沢三昧の暮らしをしたとて、そんなものに何の意味がありましょう。(7)苦しい生活をしていても、笑顔の絶えない家庭で暮らす方がはるかに幸せです。今日私たちが直面する最も重要な課題の一つは、人々がお互いにいつくしみ合い支え合う社会をいかに築いていくかということです。

Original) 塾生の答案  

(1) In relations with others, (2) we can find the true of happiness.
(3) Even if only I were on the earth, (4) got a lot of fortune (5) and lived luxurious lives, (6) such things would be worthless.
(7) Also, even if our life is in poor, (8) we are happy as long as we are always smile.
(9) One of the most important challenges which today we are confronted with is how we (10) establish the society (11) that people are considerate of others and help (12) each other.

Corrections) 添削と書き換え

(2) We can find true happiness (1) in our relationships with other people. (3) If we were all alone on the earth, (4) even if we had gotten a lot of fortune (5) living our luxurious lives, (6) this would be worthless. (7) Even if we are worried about our lives, (8) we feel happy as long as our family members always have smiles. (9) One of the most important challenges today that we are confronted with is how we can (10) establish a society (11) in which people are considerate of others and help (12) one another.

塾長による例文)

True happiness won’t likely be accepted without the bond between others and us. If you were all alone on Earth, even if you’d acquired an enormous amount of wealth enough for a rich life, could this be valuable? I feel in spite of your troubles, your family lives full of smiles will create more happiness. One of the most essential topics today is to consider how to build a society that can lead everyone to support one another with consideration.

評価)無駄な言い回しや英文が少なく読みやすくなりました。語彙や文法に気をつけて、むつかしい表現はしないで書いて下さい。添削や例文での表現方法は参考に。

1.△ 副詞句を文頭に持ってくるのは、強調するとか流れがいいとかの目的はあるが、ここでは必要ないと思う。relations とrelationships がありますが、広く使うのは後者です。

2.△ シンプルに

3.△ ×only I were →we were all alone ひとりぼっち

4.△ we got ~

5.△ our~

6.△ シンプルに

4.(5)(6) のつなげ方 P

7.× P

8.△ ×are always smile は are always smiling とか。 P

9.△ which today → today which / that

10.△ a特定の社会でなく一般的な社会だから、a society

11.× in which

12.〇 each other 2人の間のお互い one another 3人の間 でしたが最近は区別していない様子だが、one another がいいでしょう

2 自由英作文の場合

問題)

If you could invent something to make the world a better place to live, what would you invent?

Original) 塾生の答案 

I would like to invent eco-friendly cleaner.

These days, (1) I see a lot of garbage (2) such as pet bottles or plastic bags on (3) streets. (4) I also know (5) many (6) voluntears over the world (7) try to clean towns. I have attended (8) these activities (9) more than once, (10) too.

However,(11) in cities, there are huge amount of garbages (12) so that people can’t clear streets or rivers of garbages by themselves.

I think (13) it is important to rely on robots at these inevitable cases.

Eco-friendly (14) cleaner, (15) I wrote the first sentence, (16) don’t clean your room with a little enegy, (17) but clean out of your home.

Robots are different from (18) human beings (19) in that they (20) are not tired and they are able to (21) operate at their best condition all times.

(22) Now is the time (23)  when human beings cooperate with robots to reserve the environment.

 

Corrections) 添削と書き換え

I would like to invent an eco-friendly cleaner.

These days, (1) (I see a lot of garbage / everywhere we go, we are greeted by the sight of garbage) (2), such as pet bottles or plastic bags on (3) the streets. (4) I am also aware that (5) so many (6) volunteers over the world are (7) (trying / doing their part) to clean towns. I myself have attended (8) some of these kinds of activities (9) several times (10) before.

However, (11) there is such a huge amount of garbage everywhere, including in cities, (12) that evidently, some power besides manpower is necessary to clear the streets or rivers of garbage.

I think (13) it would be a splendid idea to have robots help in this inevitable case.

Eco-friendly (14) cleaners, (15) as mentioned in the opening sentence, (16) don’t sweep your rooms, (17) but can get rid of all wastes and garbage from places out of doors.

Robots are different from (18) men (19), in that they (20) (never get exhausted / can work tirelessly) and are able to (21) go on operating at best conditions.

(22) (Now is the time / There is no better time than now ) (23) for the cooperation of human beings with robots for environmental conservation.

評価)読みやすく、スタイルも整っています。以下

1)〇 P

2)カンマ

3)要the 一般表現でも必要で、特殊な例

4)〇 P

5)△ so がある方が流れが良い。

6) × spelling

7)△ 進行形の方が良い。 P

8)〇 P

9)〇 P

10)〇 P

11)12) △ のつながりは、so / such~that 構文を用いると良い。

garbageは名詞なので、such~thatを使う

garbageは物質名詞で不加算。clear A of B; AからBを取り除く

12)の人だけでは無理、という表現がしたいのだろうが、P を例として示し ておきます。

13) △ 推量なので would。 P

14) △ 一般表現 複数

15) × →which I wrote in the first sentence  P

16) △ →rooms, clean/sweep可  P

17) × P

18) 〇 P

19) カンマ

20) △ 疲れていない、より疲れない、という表現が欲しい

21) 〇 P

22) 23) × 21)から後のつながりは、P のように。

3 自由英作文の場合(2)

問題)

Big companies have a positive effect on society 

Original)

(1) I agree with this opinion.
(2) First, big companies can establish steady economic society.
(3) They manufacture and sell so many, good production that a lot of money are generated.  
(4) As a result, the interests give our society economic wealth.
(5) Indeed, there are many famous, big companies in advanced countries.
(6) Second, big companies affect our society in terms of population.
(7) Even though a town is a small town and it have few population, if factories of big companies are built in this town, many employments would move to this town and this town would be crowded.
(8)Big companies can help refrain decrease population in rural area and increase population in large city, too.(9) Therefore, I think big companies are important to establish good society and development society.

Corrections)
(1) I think of this idea as acceptable, that big companies have a positive effect on society.
(2) They have a great ability to steadily maintain economic conditions in a good way.
(3) They can manufacture and sell a large amount of products, and generate various resources, including huge volumes of money.
(4)They could eventually lead our society to be more wealthy.
(5) In fact, the number of the people who are not worried about their lives could (be low / actually drop) in countries where prominent firms can be seen.
(6) They will also affect the increase or decrease of the population.
(7) If, in a town with a small population, for example, a big company builds its factory, employment opportunities will likely be created, and the population would also be expected to be larger.
(8) Big company activities can help deal both with the decrease in the population of rural areas and with the rise in that of large cities.
(9) They have a potentiality to contribute to social development.

評価)全体言いたいことは分かります。
しかし、(a) wording語彙の使い方 (b)logic論理、の2点で文と文のつながりが不十分で何を言いたいのか理解しにくい所があります。
ほとんどparaphrasing書き換えをしました。表現の仕方と用いる語彙/単語を学んで下さい。
また、前にも言いましたが理由を2つ書けと条件設定されているわけではないのに、agree, first, second, thereforeとつなげるのは誤りではありませんが適切ではありません。何を求められているのかを最初に考え、英文構成を考えて下さい。使わない一案として添削がしてあります。

1.〇

2.△ steadily economic 副詞 形容詞となる。P

3.× 関係代名詞thatでは不可でby which。many, のカンマ不要。productionでなくproducts P

4.△ 理解できるが、どちらかといえばジャパニーズイングリッシュ。P

5.△ 英文自体に誤りはないが、(1)~(4)を踏まえての(5)とすると、読み手は、   ”で何を言いたいのですか?”となる。例として書いてみましたP

6.△ P  alsoひとつで次の観点に移ることができます。

7.× 5文を接続詞でつなぐのはまだ避けるべき。シンプルな英文が書けるな らつなぐのも良いが、今は避けたほうが良い。ピリオドで5文に分けて もいいんですよ。wordingと文法ミスもある。

A town is a small town.→ A town is small.  have→has,

8.〇little population,  the factories of .of 以下で限定されるのでthe many employments以下は(3)同様日本語発想 →many people P  

× 一般表現では複数使用をしなさい。 areas, cities  wording も書き換えのようにする。

9. × good society and development societyはたとえば、good and developmental societyのように無駄語を省くこと。big companies are important for establishing~ となる